( Christmas music playing )
OH!
HONEY, CHECK THIS OUT.
MADE IT IN THE SIXTH GRADE.
PASTA CLAUS.
AW, SO TALENTED.
AND NOW, FOR THE FINISHING TOUCH.
WH... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PUTTING MY SILVER STAR ON TOP OF THE TREE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M PUTTING MY ANGEL ON TOP OF THE TREE.
HONEY, MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER MADE THIS ANGEL AS A CHILD
IN ITALY OUT OF CORN HUSKS AND SUN-DRIED TOMATOES.
I THINK IT DESERVES THE TOP SPOT ON THE TREE.
UH, TRUST ME. MY SILVER STAR
HAS MUCH MORE SIGNIFICANCE THAN THAT.
OKAY, IT WAS MY GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER'S,
AND IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT THE BURKES PASS DOWN
FROM ONE GENERATION TO THE NEXT.
YEAH, WELL, THAT AND A HIGH TOLERANCE FOR ALCOHOL.
THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL STORY BEHIND THIS STAR
AND I THINK, ONCE YOU HEAR IT,
YOU'LL AGREE THAT IT'S THE GREATEST CHRISTMAS STORY OF ALL TIME.
THE GREATEST CHRISTMAS STORY OF ALL TIME?
HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THE LITTLE BABY AND THE MANGER?
OKAY, SECOND GREATEST.
IT ALL BEGAN WITH MY GREAT- GREAT-GRANDMOTHER, MELANIE,
OVER A HUNDRED YEARS AGO.
MORNING, DEAR LISBETH.
MY, YOU LOOK LOVELY.
IF ONLY I COULD CAPTURE AN IMAGE OF YOU
AND SEND IT IMMEDIATELY TO MY CLOSEST FRIENDS TO ADMIRE.
OH, MISS MELANIE, YOU'RE SUCH A DREAMER.
LOOK AT THIS DECORATING TECHNIQUE I DISCOVERED.
YOU SIMPLY PIN THE PAPER SNOWFLAKES OVER THE HOLES
IN THE CURTAINS AND SUDDENLY YOUR HOME LOOKS...
FESTIVE AND NOT SO POOR.
HOW IT SADDENS ME THAT THIS IS WHAT HAS BECOME OF BURKEWOOD.
I THOUGHT MY FATHER'S INVENTION OF THE HORSELESS CARRIAGE
WOULD SET US UP FOR LIFE, BUT IT WENT NOWHERE.
PERHAPS SOME SORT OF A MOTOR WOULD HAVE HELPED.
WELL, STILL, YOU'VE GIVEN ME SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE HERE.
TELL ME, WHY DID YOU TAKE ME IN WHEN I WAS JUST AN ORPHAN WRESTLING
A FELLOW STREET URCHIN FOR A MEAT PIE?
HELPING THE LESS FORTUNATE IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO,
AND OF ALL THE URCHINS IN THE GUTTER, YOU WERE THE CUTEST ONE.
SERIOUSLY?
MELANIE AND LISBETH AT BURKEWOOD?
HEY, DON'T INTERRUPT, OR I'LL FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE TO SHOVE THIS SILVER STAR.
WOULD THAT FREE UP THE TOP OF THE TREE FOR MY ANGEL?
♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK WITH ME ♪
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS OUR GOOD CHINA.
IT LOOKS THE INSIDE OF PRESIDENT GARFIELD'S CHAMBER POT.
IF I MAY, YOU SEEM A LITTLE
OUT OF SORTS OVER
THIS DINNER WITH ALISTAIR.
WELL, EVERYTHING MUST BE PERFECT
TONIGHT SO THAT HE WILL PROPOSE.
PROPOSE? BUT YOU DON'T LOVE HIM.
WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?
WITHOUT HIS FAMILY'S FORTUNE,
THE CREDITORS WILL FORECLOSE
ON BURKEWOOD IN TWO DAYS.
I MUST DO SOMETHING
TO SAVE OUR BELOVED HOME.
MELANIE, ARE YOU THERE?
SHH. FATHER MUST NOT KNOW OF OUR DIRE STATE.
CHILD, I AM FILLED WITH CHRISTMAS CHEER.
WELL, CHRISTMAS CHEER AND SCOTCH.
WELL, IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU SMILING.
YES, IT MUST BE GOOD TO SEE...
AT ALL.
TELL ME, CHILD, ARE YOU SMILING?
WELL, OF COURSE I AM.
I FIND CHRISTMAS A SAD TIME.
IT WAS 10 YEARS AGO THIS VERY NIGHT THAT
YOUR SAINTED MOTHER DIED, AND I WENT BLIND FROM GRIEF.
WHO KNEW...
THAT TOO MUCH CRYING COULD CAUSE A MAN TO LOSE HIS SIGHT?
I ASSURE YOU THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE
I WAS DOING TOO MUCH OF
THAT COULD HAVE CAUSED THIS BLINDNESS.
STRANGE, I DON'T HEAR
THE SERVANTS BUSTLING ABOUT.
OH, UH, THAT'S BECAUSE
ALL THE SERVANTS ARE
NOCTURNAL NOW.
YEAH, THEY WORK
WHILE YOU'RE ASLEEP.
OH, SO LIKE ELVES.
EXACTLY.
MISS MELANIE.
Melanie: OH, JOSIAH, YOUR ARMS...
I MEAN, YOU'RE HERE.
MISS MELANIE, I HAVE SOME VERY UPSETTING NEWS.
AND AFTER YOU HEAR IT, YOU MAY WISH TO SIT.
OF COURSE, THAT WILL REQUIRE YOU
TO PUT ON YOUR SITTING DRESS, SO...
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL JUST TELL YOU.
THE BUTCHERS REFUSE TO SELL US ANY MEAT FOR THE CHRISTMAS ROAST.
- ( gasps ) - WHY ON EARTH
WOULD THE BUTCHER REFUSE OUR MONEY?
AFTER ALL, WE ARE THE RICHEST FAMILY IN THE COUNTY.
COLONEL BURKE, I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
WELCOME TO MY WORLD.
LISBETH, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE FATHER OUT
TO HIS CHAIR BY THE DUCK POND THAT HE LOVES SO MUCH.
OH, YES, OF COURSE,
'CAUSE WE STILL HAVE A DUCK POND WITH MANY, MANY HEALTHY DUCKS.
OH, I CAN HEAR THEM NOW.
QUACK, QUACK, QUACK.
MY DUCKS.
( sighs )
NO ROAST?
BUT TONIGHT'S DINNER MUST BE PERFECT
OR BURKEWOOD WILL BE SHUTTERED FOREVER.
BREAKS MY HEART TO SEE YOU SO UPSET, MISS MELANIE.
AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES
TO FIND YOU THAT ROAST FOR TONIGHT'S MEAL.
AND THEN I SHALL COOK IT.
( gasps )
BUT HOW WILL YOU HAVE TIME TO PREPARE THE MEAL?
AND WON'T YOU BE TOO BUSY LOOKING AFTER THE HORSES?
I'M AFRAID WE SOLD OFF ALL THE HORSES.
WELL, EXCEPT FOR SILVER BELLS
'CAUSE YOU KNOW, HE'S JUST TOO OLD AND FRAIL.
AW, SILVER BELLS.
REMEMBER AS CHILDREN, WHEN WE WOULD SNEAK OFF
FOR A MIDNIGHT GALLOP?
HOW COULD I FORGET?
( sighs )
I SHOULD GO START COOKING DINNER.
( clears throat )
I'M GONNA TAKE THIS CHAIR IF YOU DON'T MIND...
AS WE ARE SHORT ON FIREWOOD.
OH, NOW I UNDERSTAND.
HE IS THE ONE YOU REALLY LOVE.
WHO, JOSIAH?
THE HANDSOME STABLE HAND WHO I GREW UP WITH
AND HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON WITH?
WELL, SOMEONE TREAT THIS ONE WITH SOME STATIC ELECTRICITY,
BECAUSE THAT IS JUST MADNESS.
UH-HUH.
OH, YOU FOUND A ROAST.
HOW DID YOU CONVINCE THE BUTCHER TO EXTEND US CREDIT?
IT'S NOT FOR YOU TO WORRY ABOUT, YOUNG LADY.
VERY WELL, THEN.
I'LL JUST GO THROW A BLANKET OVER SILVER BELLS.
NO. THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY,
AS SILVER BELLS WILL BE...
QUITE WARM TONIGHT.
YOU MEAN...
YOU WON'T REVEAL THE SECRET INGREDIENT FOR TONIGHT'S MEAL, WILL YOU?
NAY.
"NEIGH"?
THOSE WERE SILVER BELLS' LAST WORDS.
IT'S JUST THAT I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO MAKE SURE THAT THIS
CHRISTMAS FEAST WAS EXACTLY THE WAY MISS MELANIE WANTED IT TO BE.
WELL DON'T YOU KNOW WHY TONIGHT'S DINNER IS SO IMPORTANT TO MELANIE?
SHE WANTS ALISTAIR TO PROPOSE.
- IS THIS TRUE? - YES, BUT SHE DOESN'T LOVE HIM.
YOU MUST STOP IT.
I HAVE A GREAT IDEA.
I'LL TELL ALISTAIR THAT I'M A VEGETARIAN...
THAT'S A NEW DIET THAT ALL THE POOR PEOPLE ARE DOING.
OH, PHEW, YOU FOUND A ROAST.
LISTEN, MISS MELANIE, BEFORE ALISTAIR ARRIVES...
YES, JOSIAH?
...THERE'S SOMETHING YOU NEED TO KNOW.
( horse whinnies )
OH, ALISTAIR'S HERE.
OH, HOW DO I LOOK?
DOES THIS BUSTLE MAKE MY BOTTOM LOOK ENORMOUS?
OH, YEAH.
Melanie: OH, GOOD.
THEN I'M OFF TO GREET...
MY FUTURE HUSBAND.
MEL, I HAVE TO SAY
I FIND ONE PART OF THAT STORY HARD TO BELIEVE.
WHICH PART?
THE WHOLE THING.
HEY. WE GOT OUR LAST-MINUTE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING DONE.
AND RYDER WRESTLED A SMALL CHILD OVER A HIGHLANDER TOY.
AND WON.
OOH, OOH, OOH. CAN I PUT THE SILVER STAR ON TOP OF THE TREE?
UH, NO. ACTUALLY, WE HAVEN'T DECIDED WHICH ORNAMENT IS GONNA BE GOING ON TOP OF THE TREE.
YOUR AUNT MEL'S TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THIS SILVER STAR
HOLDS SOME SPECIAL PLACE IN BURKE FAMILY HISTORY.
REALLY? I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT.
WELL, THEN YOU TWO SHOULD SIT DOWN
AND HEAR THIS STORY ABOUT YOUR GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER.
NO, WAIT. SHE WAS MY GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER,
WHICH WOULD MAKE HER YOUR GREAT-GREAT-GREAT...
WHATEVER. SHE WAS AWESOME, OKAY?
HERE, ALISTAIR. SIT NEXT TO ME.
IT WOULD BE MY PLEASURE, MISS MELANIE.
HERE'S YOUR ROAST, SIR.
( chuckles ) TELL ME, ALISTAIR,
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN GRANDER CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS?
A... ACTUALLY I HAVE.
OH, GOOD ONE. ( chuckles )
YOU MUST SAY SOMETHING TO MELANIE.
SHE CAN'T MARRY ALISTAIR.
AH, LOOK AT HIM.
HE'S WAY TOO SHY TO ASK FOR HER HAND.
( Melanie giggles )
WELL, MELANIE MIGHT ASK HIM.
SHE'S A BOLD WOMAN ON THE CUSP OF A NEW CENTURY.
( gasps ) THE OTHER DAY,
SHE WORE A DRESS THAT SHOWED ALMOST HER ENTIRE ANKLE.
OH. HER BARE ANKLE?
I'LL BE BANKING THAT IMAGE FOR LATER.
MY, I'M SO HUNGRY I COULD EAT A HORSE.
THE ZIPPER HASN'T BEEN INVENTED YET,
SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT GESTURE MEANS.
WELL, THAT WAS QUITE A FEAST.
OH, THAT?
WELL, THAT'S WHAT WE EAT
WHEN WE DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK.
HMM.
IT IS BEAUTIFUL OUT HERE.
MMM, AND IT ALL BELONGS TO ME...
AND WHOMEVER I MARRY.
WELL, JUST THE OTHER DAY I WAS SAYING TO MY HUSBAND...
OH, DID I SAY HUSBAND?
I MEANT, FATHER. I DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND.
PERHAPS I WILL SOMEDAY.
HAVE A FATHER?
NO, SILLY, A HUSBAND.
TELL ME, JOSIAH,
WHAT ARE MELANIE AND ALISTAIR UP TO ON THE VERANDA?
AT THE MOMENT, SIR, THEY ARE...
HAVING POLITE... INTERCOURSE.
DESCRIBE THEIR INTERCOURSE TO ME.
WELL, SIR,
RIGHT NOW, MISS MELANIE IS LAUGHING...
AS ONLY SHE CAN.
HERE SHE PLAYFULLY TOSSES HER HAIR
AND HER EYES SHINE SO BRIGHT.
OH, DO ME A FAVOR, GOOD JOSIAH...
LAUGH AS SHE IS LAUGHING.
SIR, I DON'T WANT TO...
( stutters ) I-I AM YOUR BOSS.
YES, SIR.
UM...
( feminine giggle )
OH.
( feminine giggle )
WHY, ALISTAIR,
YOU LOOK AS THOUGH YOU'RE GONNA KISS ME.
I DO? OH NO, I WOULDN'T PRESUME
TO DO SUCH A THING, MA'AM.
WELL, I WOULDN'T MIND IF YOU DID...
NOT THAT I KNOW MUCH ABOUT KISSING,
BUT FROM WHAT I'VE SEEN
AT THE MAGIC LANTERN SHOW,
IT GOES A LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
W-WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW?
I COULD TELL YOU, SIR,
BUT THEN I'D HAVE TO GOUGE OUT MY EYES,
RIP OFF MY EARS, AND CUT OUT MY TONGUE.
WELL, IN THAT CASE,
SKIP IT.
WOW.
WELL, IF WE WERE HUSBAND AND WIFE,
WE COULD DO THAT EVERY SUNDAY.
REALLY?
THEN LET'S GET MARRIED.
( gasps ) OH, ALISTAIR,
SAY IT AGAIN. BUT THIS TIME,
WHILE PICKING UP MY HANDKERCHIEF.
OKAY, NOW BEND THAT KNEE.
YEAH, RIGHT THERE.
OKAY, AND NOW SAY IT.
MELANIE, WILL YOU MARRY ME?
( gasps ) OH, ALISTAIR,
THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PUTTING AWAY LEFTOVERS.
SILVER BELLS WAS A FINE OLD STALLION.
SHOULD LAST US THE REST OF THE WINTER.
NO, I MEAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YOU HAVE TO TELL MELANIE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HER,
OTHERWISE SHE'LL WIND UP WITH THE WRONG MAN.
AND WHEN YOU DIE, THEY'LL WRITE UPON YOUR GRAVESTONE,
"HERE LIES JOSIAH. HE DIED SAD AND ALONE, BUT HE HAD HIS PRIDE.
"SO THERE'S THAT."
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE PRETTY WISE FOR AN URCHIN.
OH, WELL, I WAS FIRST IN MY CLASS AT URCHIN SCHOOL.
I'M GONNA GO TELL MISS MELANIE THE TRUTH.
ALISTAIR HAS ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM,
AND I SAID YES.
YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.
THAT IS WONDERFUL NEWS.
JOSIAH, BREAK OUT OUR FINEST CHAMPAGNE.
( cheek pops )
THAT'S SOMETHING I LEARNED TO DO ON THE CONTINENT.
OH.
WE SHOULD BE MARRIED TONIGHT.
I WILL RIDE HOME AND RETRIEVE MY FATHER
AND THE YOUNG VICAR FROM OUR PARRISH,
AND THEN YOU AND I CAN DO SOME MORE OF THAT KISSING STUFF,
- RIGHT? - MM-HMM.
OOH. ( chuckles )
( clears throat )
CONGRATULATIONS, MISS MELANIE.
MELANIE, YOU MUST BE THRILLED.
SHE'S BEHIND YOU.
SO SORRY.
DEAR, DEAR. OH, MY CHI...
WHY...
ARE THOSE TEARS ON YOUR FACE?
YES, FATHER. TEARS OF JOY AND NOTHING ELSE.
FOR I AM SOON TO BE MRS. ALISTAIR...
WHATEVER HIS LAST NAME IS. HE'S RICH.
- ( sobs ) - ( laughs )
JOSIAH,
THANK YOU AGAIN FOR ALL YOUR HELP TONIGHT.
THIS PROPOSAL WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED WITHOUT YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME, MISS MELANIE.
ALTHOUGH, DON'T EXPECT
MY ASSISTANCE ON YOUR HONEYMOON, NOW.
( both chuckle )
LISTEN, MISS MELANIE.
SINCE BURKEWOOD IS NOW SAVED,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THIS'LL BE MY LAST DAY IN YOUR SERVICE.
WELL, DON'T I GET A FORTNIGHT'S NOTICE?
IF YOU WERE PAYING ME, YES.
BUT BEFORE I GO,
I ACTUALLY WANT TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING.
I FORGED THIS WITH MY BARE HANDS.
I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD HANG IT ON THE CHRISTMAS TREE
TO REMEMBER ME BY.
OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SILVER STAR.
( sighs )
PALES IN COMPARISON TO THE LADY WHO'S HOLDING IT.
( sighs )
( both inhale sharply )
- NOW... - ( exhales )
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
I'M GONNA GO SHOVEL THE REST OF THE MANURE BEFORE I LEAVE.
( sighs ) WELL, DON'T GO!
DON'T GO?
SHOVEL THE REST OF THE MANURE?
YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO SHOVEL THE MANURE,
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO.
THANK YOU, JOSIAH.
( sighs )
OH, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT PRETTY STAR?
JOSIAH MADE IT FOR ME.
HE HAS TAKEN HIS LEAVE TONIGHT OF BURKEWOOD FOREVER.
JOSIAH MEANS A GREAT DEAL TO YOU, DOESN'T HE, MISS MELANIE?
WHY?
BECAUSE WE SPENT OUR IDYLLIC YOUTH PLAYING COUNTRY PHYSICIAN?
PISH POSH.
PERHAPS SOME NIGHT AIR WILL HELP DRY THESE TEARS OF NOT CARING.
( clock chimes )
I HEAR FAINT CHIMES FROM ACROSS THE TOWN SQUARE.
THAT MEANS IT'S CHRISTMAS.
( exhales deeply )
OH, MISS MELANIE,
LOOK AT THAT BRIGHT STAR.
PERHAPS THAT'S THE SAME STAR THE WISE MEN SAW.
PERHAPS.
IF YOU WISH UPON A STAR...
( star twinkles )
GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST!
MY SIGHT HAS BEEN RESTORED!
IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.
OH, FATHER, IS IT REALLY TRUE?
YES!
I CAN SEE.
AND I CAN SEE IN YOUR EYES
A DEEP SORROW.
BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T LOVE ALISTAIR.
SHE IS IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER.
SHUSH, CHILD, OR YOU'RE BACK ON THE STREET.
WELL, WHO IS IT?
( sighs ) IT DOESN'T MATTER.
I MUST MARRY ALISTAIR.
OTHERWISE, BURKEWOOD IS LOST.
WHY? WE ARE WEALTHY.
OH, FATHER, I'M AFRAID NOT.
LOOK AROUND YOU.
OH DEAR GOD.
THIS PLACE IS A DUMP.
BUT WITH ALISTAIR'S FAMILY MONEY, ALL WILL BE RESTORED.
MY DEAR, YOU CANNOT SACRIFICE YOUR HAPPINESS TO SAVE A HOUSE.
YOU MUST MARRY THE MAN YOU LOVE.
OH, FATHER, DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?
I DO.
WHAT MEANS MOST TO ME IN THIS WORLD
IS YOUR HAPPINESS, MY CHILD.
ALTHOUGH, IT WOULDN'T KILL YOU TO PICK UP A BROOM.
MISS MELANIE,
I'M GONNA BE GOING NOW.
I'VE MADE MY BED...
INTO THIS STYLISH STRAW HAT
IN CASE I GET A JOB ON A RIVERBOAT.
NICE HAT.
I'LL BE SORRY TO SEE YOU GO.
WAIT A MINUTE.
COLONEL, YOU CAN SEE?
YES, IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT LATER.
FAREWELL, JOSIAH.
FAREWELL, MISS MELANIE.
UH-HUH.
I KNOW THAT LOOK.
THAT IS THE LOOK OF LOVE.
YES.
YES, IT'S TRUE.
I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED JOSIAH.
YOU HAVE?
I CAN NO LONGER DENY THAT I LOVE THIS
DIRTY, SMELLY, DESTITUTE STABLE HAND,
WHO IS ALSO VERY HANDSOME AND KIND.
PERHAPS, LEAD WITH THAT THE NEXT TIME.
OH, MISS MELANIE, I'VE LOVED YOU
EVER SINCE THE FIRST TIME
THAT YOU AND I RODE SILVER BELLS TOGETHER.
IF THIS IS TO BE
YOUR BRIDE, ALISTAIR,
I THINK WE MAY HAVE A PROBLEM.
IS THIS THE CHASTE ANGEL
YOU'VE BEEN GOING ON ABOUT, MY SON?
IT IS.
PARDON ME, STABLE BOY,
BUT I BELIEVE THAT BELONGS TO ME.
OH, I BELONG TO NO ONE.
I AM MY OWN WOMAN,
AND I MAKE MY OWN CHOICES.
I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO VOTE,
I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO HOLD OFFICE,
I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO SIGN A CONTRACT
OR OPEN A BANK ACCOUNT...
YOU ALSO CAN'T OWN PROPERTY OR SMOKE TOBACCO IN PUBLIC.
THANK YOU, SISTER.
BUT I CAN CHOOSE THE MAN I LOVE.
THAT'S RIGHT, AND SHE LOVES ME,
SO I THINK IT'S TIME THAT YOU MOVE ALONG,
ALISTAIR.
SO AM I TO PERFORM A WEDDING CEREMONY, OR NOT?
EITHER WAY,
I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE DINNER.
I PROPOSE WE SETTLE WHO GETS THE LADY
WITH A MODERN-FASHIONED DUEL.
- ( Melanie and Lisbeth gasp ) - EXCUSE ME.
I SUPPOSE I'M GONNA GET ONE OF THOSE, RIGHT?
NOPE.
A REAL GENTLEMAN, I SEE.
( grunts )
SOMEONE STOP THEM. YOU'RE HIS FATHER.
GO FOR HIS THROAT, ALISTAIR!
AND DON'T GET BLOOD ON YOUR SHIRT.
YOUR MOTHER WILL BE VEXED.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE FIGHTING OVER ME.
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY...
FLATTERING.
( grunting )
( both grunting )
Alistair's Father: STOP!
THAT MARK, HOW DID YOU GET THAT?
SIR, I WAS BORN THIS WAY
MY ELDEST SON HAD SUCH A MARK.
HE WAS STOLEN FROM US AS A BABE BY TRAVELING FORTUNE TELLERS.
I WAS RAISED BY TRAVELING FORTUNE TELLERS
AND NEVER TOLD OF MY TRUE BIRTH.
THAT MEANS YOU TWO ARE BROTHERS!
BROTHER?
BROTHER!
( both laughing joyously )
FATHER, AT LAST!
WHEN DO I GET TO MEET MOTHER?
AS SOON AS SHE RETURNS FROM FOLLOWING THAT HEARTTHROB
JOHN PHILIP SOUSA ON HIS CONCERT TOUR.
JOSIAH,
AS MY ELDEST SON,
YOU ARE NOW HEIR TO MY ENTIRE FORTUNE.
PRIMOGENITURE IN YOUR FACE.
WHAT? WELL, THAT SUCKS.
WELL, THIS MEANS WE CAN BE MARRIED, AND BURKEWOOD CAN BE SAVED.
OH, AND TRUE LOVE HAS WON OUT!
MY LADY, WOULD YOU DO ME THE HONOR OF BEING MY WIFE?
A THOUSAND TIMES, YES.
SAVE IT FOR THE CEREMONY, YOU TWO.
YOUNG VICAR, WOULD YOU PLEASE GET MY DAUGHTER HITCHED?
Vicar: IT WOULD BE MY JOY
AND PLEASURE TO JOIN THESE TWO IN HOLY MATRIMONY...
AS SOON AS I GET SOMETHING TO EAT.
( gasps ) I HAVE A GREAT IDEA.
WE COULD RIDE SILVER BELLS TOGETHER AGAIN,
BUT THIS TIME DOWN THE AISLE.
MY DEAR,
THERE'S SOMETHING I SHOULD TELL YOU ABOUT SILVER BELLS.
( Lisbeth clears throat )
IT CAN WAIT. ( chuckles )
AND SO THAT NIGHT, MELANIE AND JOSIAH
WERE MARRIED BENEATH THIS VERY SILVER STAR.
AW.
WHAT A ROMANTIC LOAD OF CRAP.
WAIT, I DON'T GET IT.
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS MOVIE AGAIN?
YOU BELIEVE ME, DON'T YOU, JOE?
NOT EVEN A LITTLE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?
I GOTTA TELL YOU THE FACT THAT YOU WENT
TO SUCH INCREDIBLE LENGTHS
TO MAKE SURE THAT THIS STAR
GETS THE TOP SPOT ON THIS TREE,
IS BOTH WHAT I FIND
MOST ANNOYING ABOUT YOU,
AND YET...
WHAT I LOVE MOST ABOUT YOU.
AW, HONEY. LETTING ME
HAVE MY WAY IS THE BEST
CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER.
Joe: OH.
WELL, THEN I THINK MY SHOPPING IS DONE.
NO. YOU STILL GOTTA BUY ME STUFF.